Mum's in the dock - guilty as charged

Parenting is a minefield of guilt, but it comes from a place of love and can be turned into a powerful teaching tool according to parenting expert Mark Le Messurier

 

Parenting writer, Liz Walsh

The Advertiser, Saturday June 8, 2013, p17-18

 

I did nothing more than shut a door. But it set her off. My 18 month old daughter threw herself backwards and started banging her head on the floor; tears pouring from her eyes, tortured screams echoing down the hallway.

I stood above her, undeterred.

"Florence, my darling," I said sternly, "you can tantrum all you want, but mummy will not open the door."

This went on for half an hour - it was torture; for the both of us. But eventually, I calmed her down. We read books and cuddled.

Hours later, I opened the door and there it was: her favourite teddy bear.

Oh, God. I'm a horrible mother.

I dissolved into a puddle of guilt: "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

 

Every parent says the same thing: the moment your child is born, life changes forever.

It was a blur of sleep deprivation, nappies and routines in the beginning but then parenthood settles into a wonderful world of firsts: first smiles, first laughs, first steps, first words, first holidays.

But accompanying that comes a host of other first: tantrums, public spats, bloody injuries.

And with that comes the guilt. Parenting is a minefield of guilt: Am I doing the right thing by my child? Am I doing the right thing by my partner? Am I doing the right thing by myself?

 

MIX 102.3's breakfast co-host Jodie Oddy is on maternity leave after giving birth to her third child, Summer, two months ago.

She agrees that guilt is a non-stop assault, starting the moment you become pregnant, continuing through all aspects of parenting decisions; not buying environmentally friendly nappies, not breastfeeding long enough, working too long hours.

"Food is a big one," she admits. "But I think anytime with peas and corn in it is nutritious." (Although, she admits to giving her 21 month old daughter Payton well-timed doses of Freddo Frogs and red cordial to avoid public tantrums.)

Guilt hit Oddy hard when she returned to work after having Payton. A listener wrote in to the station and said simply: "Jodie shouldn't be back at work. She should be at home with her baby."

Her eldest daughter Taylor, 12, is sometimes equally unimpressed with that decision. "Being a working mum means I don't get to do much volunteering at Taylor's school and I don't always get to her school's special events,"Oddy says.

She's even stopped asking me to come because she knows I'm tied up most mornings. One day we were having a bit of an argument and she said to me; "You don't help in the canteen, you don't do netball, you don't do anything'. It made me feel horrendous, but being a working mum means you show your kids that they can do anything and be whatever they want to be."

Maybe, but I'm still racked with guilt-inducing moments.

Here's just a selection of my moments:

• Teddy-gate. Guilty
• I once left my daughter in a dirty nappy for 20 minutes because I knew her dad was 'just around the corner'. She had four that day and I couldn't stomach another one. When he walked in the door I said; "Wow! Perfect timing, she's just done a poo." Guilty.
• Her first full sentence was "No, no, no, no, no". Guilty.
• I have bought her a few boys' clothes for no other reason than when - actually if - we have another child and perhaps it's a boy, then we have some hand-me-downs. Guilty.
• She has fallen off the couch three times while I've been right next to her. How did I not learn after the second, let alone the first, fall? Guilty.

Oddy and I are not alone in our guilty moments. After surveying parenting friends, there are plenty of others in Adelaide with burgeoning lists of offences.

Here are some that fellow parents and friends of mine confessed to:

• Leaving the Mother's Day present and card that my son made at child care on the roof of the car and driving away.
• My daughter accidentally dropped her shoe in a public toilet. I didn't have any other shoes and knew we couldn't go home, so she had to walk round the shops in toilet shoes.
• Convincing my children that when the ice cream van plays music, it means that it has run out of ice cream.
• Finding out at the end of a school day that my daughter managed to wear her pyjamas under her school uniform - and I did not even notice when I dropped her off that morning.
• Eating the kids' Easter eggs when they are in bed.
• I'm a decent cook and I've even cooked with Jamie Oliver, but I put Vegemite sandwiches in my boys' lunchboxes.
• Having to stop reading for my older son's Reception class because my younger son is so mobile now that he cases the other kids with scissors, grabs textas and writes on their work and then tries to eat the food scrap's from the chook bin.
• My daughter had a double humiliation; first she wet her pants, then after I cleaned the room, slipped over on her wee and fell flat on her face - yes, I'd forgotten to clean up the puddle.
• I have a secret marshmallow stash to keep my daughter quiet.
• Putting my children in front of the TV when I need to get something done.
• Returning to work, not just because I'm putting my son in child care but because I'm "only" working part time. It's lose-lose.
• Using the dummy as a "noise-plug"
• Dropping my son at child care when I'm not working.
• That I felt more guilt mothering my first than I did with my next two combined.
• I was at a new playground recently and it had a new tee pee and I climbed right to the top, talking to another parent the whole way. My son was playing below me on another part of the jungle gym and I kept hearing him yelling in an irritating voice;"Hey, mum, I'm stuck". To which I kept replying;"I'll be there in a minute". Eventually I looked down and he really was stuck. I felt horrible but couldn't stop laughing and then I made him smile for a photo before I helped him out.
• Having problems with breastfeeding and giving my baby formula.
• Not enrolling my baby in swimming classes.
• Not feeling guilty when I went back to work.
• Skipping story time with my daughter because my son's story time took 45 minutes and The Block is about to start.
• Single-mum guilt: Choosing to have a baby on my own and wondering if it was a selfish decision.
• Finding out at my five year old's first visit to the dentist that he needs three fillings.

SA based parenting expert Mark Le Messurier says guilty parents should worry not! Thank you, Mark!

He says: "Our children are our greatest test in life; they press buttons that nobody else can," he says. But it's important to remember, he says, that our children are as blessed to have us as we are to have them.

Mark Le Messurier and Bill Hansberry have just written a new book -Raising Beaut Kids: Recipes for parents on when to say 'yes' and how to say 'no'. It is coming out in September this year.Mark says that, generally, parenting guilt comes from a place of love and should be used as a 'teacher'.

"We must remember that children are robust and we can use these situations as wonderful lessons to learn to be better parents."

Really, it all comes down to what a wise parent once shared with Mark;"I think happy kids can eat baked beans daily and what they remember isn't the baked beans, it's the love, leadership and relationship we gave them instead."

Mark Le Messurier's PARENTING TIPS

• Be driven to do your parenting role better and better every day.
• Spend time with your children; make it about the quality of time, not the quantity.
• Embrace your guilt as something positive; all parents make mistakes, so learn from them.
• Don't let guilt make you permissive with your child- assertive parenting is still the best approach and guarantees emotionally healthy kids.
• Everyone carries parent guilt of some sort, so never expect to avoid it. Instead, work with it and work on acceptance.
• Guilt often happened in moments. Take solace by having a big picture, and a focus on what you want to achieve.
• Escape guilt by knowing your kids and truly understanding how they tick. When relationships are strong there's room for a little error of judgement.