Rules
Recipe Rescue: building rules that work
Ingredients:
- A child not doing what is expected
- A frazzled parent seeing their child's action as; inconsiderate, disobedient or dangerous
- A moment of tension
- A mum or dad trying to act responsibly and regain control for all the right reasons
- A parent feeling as though they must take the upper hand by making up new rules 'on the spot'
- Children switching off their listening and empathy because their dignity is being threatened
- A history of encounters that cause bad feelings and deliver poor positive outcomes
Mum
(Exasperated, red faced and in lecture mode)
Oh, come on... I can't believe this. This makes my blood boil! What were you thinking? You weren't thinking at all! Were you? Were you? Look at my beanbag, you've wrecked it and look at the mess all over the floor! Oh yes, you'll clean up every last bit by hand - not with my vacuum cleaner. How many times have I told you not to hit each other with the beanbag? How many times have I caught you doing this before? I've been over this so many times; over and over and over it. What more can I say? It's as if you don't hear me, don't respect our things and don't care. I asked all of you to be good while I was away for those few minutes. I may as well have saved my voice! You don't listen - you never do! Abby, what were you doing when this happened? You know I rely on you. I'm so disappointed. You're grounded!/
Abby
(Resigned to copping it because she's the oldest)
Mum, you can't ground me for this. It wasn't my fault. I was doing my homework in my bedroom. I can't watch all of them all the time. I've got a life you know!
Caleb
(The youngest)
I didn't do it, mum
Alex, Ross and Dottie
(In unison)
It wasn't us mum
Mum
Then who was it? Who is to blame? Who wants to own up!
(Mum waits for an answer. There's silence. The kids gaze at the floor. There's no answer)
Just as I thought! You all know better than this. You know this is NOT on! From now on the new rule is that none of you can come into the lounge room ever again. Not for anything or for any reason at all. It is totally out of bounds.
(An exasperated mum walks away leaving the kids to clean up)
Act 1
Doesn't it make you think about how 'new rules' actually spring to life in our homes?
In this instance mum made a 'new rule' on the run to appease her disappointment and the annoying behaviours she was dealing with. If we're honest with one another, it's the high stress moments that have the capacity to wreck our best intentions. In an emotionally charged state - as we desperately try to demonstrate leadership, or reassert our authority - the establishment of a 'new rule' is often accompanied by at least a little yelling, lecturing, preaching, martyrdom and complaining at our kids. In our heated state we quickly abandon any semblance of leadership by going head to head with our children as if we're in the boxing ring. In the quiet of this moment our well-developed adult logic tells us that this approach is completely useless.
Did you know that the listening capacity of our kids switches off at about 3.2 words in moments of high tension? We know that the window for them to hear, before they become parent deaf, is very small. There is no reaching them at this moment, the shutters have come down! What our kids absorb is what they already know, mum or dad nagging or over-reacting again. The rapid rise in our emotion always deflects from the heart of the problem, because it invites tactless, even damaging comments.
QUESTION - how many of us have made a 'new rule' for the kids in high stress moments?
ANSWER - Most of us.
QUESTION - so, why do we do it?
ANSWER - it's spawned by frustration and an awkward bid to take back control and look as though we are in command.
QUESTION - does the new rule then stand the test of time in your home?
ANSWER - no, because usually it's too strict to police, has no support from anyone and the kids actually enjoy getting around it because they feel thwarted! The hastily made 'new rule' never gives rise to any constructive changes to performance of our kids.
Isn't it odd that we know this, but can't seem to get it right in the moment when it really counts? Yes, great management skills are truly deceptive. There's so much more to it than knowing what to do. There's such a discerning divide between those who know the answers, compared to those who know the answers, but can't put the skills into place when under pressure. When under pressure, so many of us admit to falling headlong into the obvious parenting pitfalls.
Recipe Rescue: building rules that work
In this Recipe rescue let's outsmart and move well beyond the limited concept of making 'new rules' up on the spot and...
End of sample chapters
Raising Beaut Kids
Introduction
The 'art' of managing tricky kid behaviour
How-to catch and build positive behaviours
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